sept 7 measure

body fat 24.5%

Chest 37
Biceps 12
Waist 34
Hips 39
Thigh 22
weight 151


Oct. 29 2015
chest 38.5
bicep 12
waist 34
hip 39.25
thigh 22
weight 149

Jan 2016
body fat 23.5%
Now pregnant.  No more numbers for a few years.

Numbers July 27, 2015

Biceps 11 3/4
Chest 37
Waist 34 1/2
Hips 39 1/2
Thigh 22
Calves 14 1/2

Weight 149 Body Fat %25

Spartack.

I get to run the Stupid Spartan Saturday.  I would like to think I am excited but I don't know what I am.  Due to tapering and vacation this week I have not exercised hard all week and I am going crazy.  I can feel all this energy coursing through me, begging to be released.  I want to move it move it.

I knew exercise was important to my sanity, I just didn't realize how essential.

I am crazy.

Pent up undirected energy source am I.
 

Bryan's Numbers

Jan 14 2015

Chest 44
Waist 40
Bicep 13.5
Hips 42
Thigh 23
Weight 215.7

Feb. 16

Chest 42.5
Waist 39
Bicep 13.5
Hips 41.75
Thigh 23
Weight 210.6

March 20

Chest 43.3
Waist 38.5
Bicep 13.5
Hips 41
Thigh 22.5
Weight 207.1


Oct. 29 2015

Chest 44
Waist 38.75
Bicep 14
Hips 43
Thigh 23
Weight 213

Feb. 1 2016

chest 44
waist 39
bicep 15
hips 43
thigh 23
weight 216

June 23 2016
chest 43
waist 38.75
bicep 14.5
hips 42
thigh 24.5
neck 16.5
calf 15.75

Numbers

Weight 151
Body fat 25 %
Chest 38
Waist 34.5
Hips 39
Thigh 21
Bicep 12

Totally can do a pull up or two.  I am an Amazon woman.  Today I did 100 burpees.  I feel like I can chase down an antelope and eat it raw for dinner.

O.zone

Have I mentioned how much I love o.zone fitness?

Because I do.  I started mid-January, it is now April 3.  My arms are huge!  Okay, they only got a little bit bigger, but they are full of muscle instead of fat and water.  I don't recognize my arms when I rub them.  Or when I go running and by bicep is big enough to bounce.  But beyond my arms my entire body has gotten strong. 

And I am never bored.  And I never have to wonder when/if/what workout is going down that day.

I love it.

I love feeling strong.  I love messing around on the playground with Micah. 

I can do one pull-up. 

Weirdly, now that I am stronger and messing around more I realize more and more how capable I am and that transfers to my kids.  Who freaks out the most when a kid tries a new stunt?  Overweight grandparent or parents?  Watch non-kids at playgrounds.  The more overweight or old the adult is, the more prone they are to freaking out every time their kid does anything adventurous.  But when I test the limits and realize the stunts aren't that big of a deal, the more confidence that I have in my kids to accomplish whatever they want.

And that does not mean I will be confident while we are around cliffs next week.  I doubt I have conquered my fear of heights yet.   

Hmm, maybe that is why through Christ we can rise above all.  Conquer all.  He has done everything and has confidence that we can recover from our own stunts.  Regardless if we stick the landing or not.

Milestones

I just got done reading Melskitchecafe running updates.  She reported having a breakthrough.  And that got me to be brave enough to write some thoughts from Saturday.

I guess all good break through moments have darkness to start with.  I have been frustrated with my weight lately.  Stupidly so.  And even while I am concerned that not only have I not lost any, but gained some, I am berating myself for even caring about the numbers.  I am above worrying about numbers.  I know I am feeling strong etc.  That is what is important.

Plus I am dealing with a terrible cold/laryngitis which has caused a lot of lost sleep and anxiety from taking decongestants. 

So, not feeling so great.  Or strong.  Kind of flabby, tired, and struggling to keep up with anything.  And part of me is concerned on how on earth will I get through the Spartan when I am still not tough.

So, Saturday.

I went to Zumba with Tess.  How I miss fuze fitness and Tess and friends!  How I miss moving my body for the sheer joy of movement!  Working out at o.zone has been wonderful for me.  But I miss my buddies and joy of dancing. 

And I saw myself in the mirror. 

At my first bootcamp Tess had us introduce ourselves and say why we were there, what we hoped to accomplish.  I hate to be predictable and everyone else was saying stuff like weight, strength, blah blah blah.  So I said I wanted to rock the Spartan next year.  At that time, I would have a year to prepare for the Spartan.

My head laughed even as I talked so big.  I knew I would never do the Spartan for a thousand reasons.  But hey, dream big right?

I also didn't want to have loosing weight as a goal because I had been working out, and hard, and not lost any weight.  I needed to accept that I wouldn't be getting any smaller.

I saw myself in the mirror Saturday.  And I saw that I have gotten smaller.  I have gotten stronger.  I am going to rock the Spartan.  And it hasn't even been a year yet.  I still got a few months before the Spartan.

Dreaming big has really paid off. 

I am grateful for this journey.  For this new strength.

I don't know if I can write that emotion.

1RM

No one showed up to work out today.  And I have been battling laryngitis and didn't really care if I sweated or not.

Perfect day to mess around and see what my maxes are!

Today:
Squat 165
Deadlift 155
Bench press 95.

My body fat was at 26%.  Weight 153.  I was hoping those extra pounds were solid muscle.  I gained a few pounds but my body fat is the same. Extra pounds are from how much snot is in my head right now.

Bottom point, I still feel strong.  A tad flabby lately, but I believe having to deal with being sick makes it understandable if I am not feeling best lately.  Feeling more like survivor.  I will survive today, hopefully gracefully.

Thinking Ahead

I am thinking ahead to when this boot camp is done.  As much as I would love to keep hanging out at o.zone for the time being, 75 bucks a month is over my price range.  50 bucks is my max. 

So I've been looking around on groupon to find another place to work out.  I have found crossfit but everything has a downside.  It would take 15 minutes just to drive to crossfit.  I'd be out of my comfort zone.  I'm a tad worried women will beat me up. And I can not afford crossfit after the initial month.

I like working out at o.zone, even with all the emphasis on loosing weight while not giving clients any diet helps. I am finally liking the new trainer as well as a few of the women I regularly work out with.

I don't know.

I know o.zone is worth 75 bucks.  But being worth x amount of dollars and having x amount of dollars to spend are two different things.

Which brings us to asking Bryan if its okay to spend money on working out.  Part of me says spend the money and make the budget work.  The other part of me knows that the budget isn't going to work this month. period. Perhaps I need to accept I can't make work out money a regular deduction from the budget.

For my sanity I need workouts.  So I find myself wondering if I could do it from home again.  And I cringe.  I so look forward to working out because I get to chat and sweat with other woman.  Human connection!

All over the map.  And no closer to deciding what I want.  Need. 

Exercise is a Need.

Calories

So we are in week 5 or 6 of bootcamp, depending on when you signed up.  And women are getting mad.  At the end of this six weeks they were supposed to be further along than where they are.  Michelle asked Shayne if why she wasn't having the change she wanted related to her diet that she hadn't changed at all.  Shayne explained the scale was not the measurement she should worry about.  She had lost inches off of her waist and was building muscle, great progress.  After he left she turned to her friend and was pissed.  Because she didn't believe him.  She wanted to know how to fix her diet and calories/weight.  She has been very open about her quest to loose weight. 

So fixated she has ignored all the other progress.  Inches lost on waist.  Lower body fat.

Shayne did not take the time to really show her her progress.  But what else, I wish that o.zone didn't fixate so much on telling clients to set up appointments with the nutritionist if they want answers about diet.  Yes, I understand that o.zone has made it a work out only place.  But how hard would it have been to that is it,

He needs to acknowledge Michelle's worry about her diet.  More so.  He didn't adequately answer her frustration. 

I don't know what I would do as a trainer.  But then, the other trainer was training so Shayne had the time.  He didn't have the concern to answer her frustration.  And then she talked about it with buddy.  And it wasn't positive dialogue.  

Why do I keep wondering what an awesome trainer would do?

I was really going to wonder why everyone is so fixated on calories and not other progress.

Maybe I would like to be a trainer when Henry goes to school.  But I watched Collette struggle to find work and she had experience, training, and connections.  So I think that field is already flooded.

Also, day 1 of week five starts tomorrow for me.  For some reason, this week has been exhausting for me.  I am tired.  Dog tired.  Taking naps again. 

Playing with the big toys tires me out.

Taking Control

So how do you make movement you hate and enjoy it more?  Give it your own name.  We do a move called frog squats.

I hate frog squats.  Almost more than supermans.

So I told the trainer today to just rename them twerk squats. 

Everyone laughed because they got the joke. 

I like the move more now.

A Little Competition

A little competition never hurt anyone?  Right.

I don't know.  There is a chick at O.Zone who perplexes me.  The first time I met her she seemed really confident and cool.  Then she made fun of other people's form.  Not cool.

Today she was back.  One lady was asking the trainer about some diet that her friend did and lost 17 lbs.  Awesome trainer said those pounds were all muscle.  Good trainer.  Not cool chick asked me if I counted calories.  But the way she asked felt competitive.  As if it was a challenge.  I told her I did not count calories.  She asked what I did do.  I laughed and said well, I do this thing called intuitive eating where I eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full.  She didn't like that answer and made fun of it a bit.  "Yeah, it's amazing what will happen when you stop eating when you are full, isn't it."  Sarcastic tone.  Part of me thinks she wants to have an actual conversation and part of me feels like she is looking for ways to make fun of me. 

It didn't help later when the trainer told her to put more weights on the bar she was going to use.  She asked why and I piped up "cause you're super strong!"  Her retort "yeah, well your face is too strong."  I really don't get this chick. 

But I am going to avoid talking around her.  I like our 8:30 class when our regular 4 women show up who are super supportive and work out hard. 

Pause

I am in the middle of yet another boot camp which has been fabulous.  Its worked me, made me sore, and I have fun with the challenges of the class.  But the last two days something sighed.

I guess I started reading a lot about exercise and motivation and goals and started overthinking it all.

And then I would see Micah outside getting his hour of more of after school scootering in.  Is he exercising.  Yes.  Does he care about output/input maximizing time and moves and etc?  No.  He is moving because it is what his body and mind needs.  And doing it at his own pace and rhythm.

That is the kind of exerciser I want to be.  Moving for my own joy.  At my pace. 

I also found that good old before and after from Tess's bootcamps.  Wow.  And I had to re-enter my weight for health insurance.  In one year I have lost 10 pounds.

10. 

My body fat has gone from 30 to 26. 

I feel a need to just pause and celebrate.  I finally did it.  That extra weight that I had carried finally left.  And I am not sure why.

Two thoughts on why.  I have been exercising hard for a couple years.  I got stronger but didn't loose the weight.  Two things changed.

1: I read intuitive eating and really started to notice how much I ate without tasting, being distracted, and how much those food choices made me feel like crap.  I changed my eating habits.

2: I started attending Group Workout Classes.  Working out with other people is FUN for me.  And extra challenging.  Attending Boot Camps do make a huge difference.

Did I Say That?

Interesting thought: people who tell everyone about a set goal are less likely to accomplish it.  I want to try keeping my goals to myself for a bit.

Except the fact that I want to do one pull up, apparently.  I am a big blabber mouth about that.  And I think there really is some truth to not telling your goals.  Several women have given me so much positive feedback on this goal I could pat myself on the back and be good.

Except I didn't do that one pull-up.

Staying strong.  I will do that pull-up.

My path to making it happen:  After/before workouts 8 assisted pull-ups.
At home, reverse slow pull-ups every so often as I pass the bathroom.

Food

I decided food is my love language.  If someone has something to celebrate or needs consoling I want to get them homemade real tasty food.  Food solves so much in life, in good quality, not quantity.

And that is the secret, to enjoy quality.  Not quantity.  Savor, taste, discern, talk, reach out.

Food.  And chocolate.

Oh, chocolate.  I decided that there is no good or bad chocolate.  Dark does not trump light, even in this case.  I tried so hard to develop my chocolate senses and become someone who savors dark.  But every good quality chocolate has its place in my life according to moods.

Except waxy chocolate.  Waxy chocolate is a waste.  A genuine waste.  The only good thing about cocoa beans going up in price is perhaps we will stop wasting them on waxy chocolate.

Numbers

I started working out at o.zone fitness, joining a six week bootcamp.  I don't have my entry number fitness assessment on me, but my three week check up on numbers is this Wednesday. 

I keep telling myself I don't care about the numbers.

My goals are : do one unassisted pull up.  Turkish get up with the bigger kettleball. 

Yep.

I am so close to being able to do one pull up. I can feel it. 

Also, I find the more fit I become, the less worrisome the numbers should be because I move better.  I move easier, stronger, powerfuller.

But gosh, I am kind of anticipating the number crunching.  Because I am positive there will be really awesome results.  Because I feel so great.

I need to remember that even if the numbers suck they do not change how much stronger I have felt these last few weeks.  This is a program that works for me.

Second thought:  Today some new bootcampers showed up.  Two of the chicks were skinny and looked hot.  I kicked their butts.  Skinny is not my goal.  Cheetah is my goal.  The athleticism of a large cat, even when walking.  You know that cat is pure strength and grace.  I want to be a cheetah.

Spartan

So I have a semi-secret.  I am running the Spartan this summer. So some thoughts. 

I started running about three years ago when I signed up to run a half marathon with my sisters.  I told everyone about my running and training.  I was motivated.  Because I couldn't back out from doing that race when I had spent a whooping fifty bucks on it. 

Then last summer I ran all summer.  I worked out.  And friends and neighbors commented and asked, what are you training for.  Surprise surprise when I said nothing. Just enjoying the feeling of running and working out.

It kind of bugs me that everyone wants to tell me what they are training for. 

Can't we just work out to be in shape.  To feel new strength in our legs and arms and torso.  To relish the wind in our faces?  To feel alive? 

But signing up for this Spartan has most definitely reminded me of motivation. I may be tired after my gym workouts, but I am still going to hang out for five minutes and work on my pull ups.  Because I have a Spartan to conquer.  I will do every burpee assigned with perfect form.  Because if I can't have perfect form on a clean gym floor, how will I manage in the mud. 

I don't want to tell people I signed to run the Spartan because that is NOT the impressive part.  The impressive part is if I can tell people I ran the Spartan and PASSED the obstacles.  That I had the upper body strength to do it ALL.

That is what it is, signing up for stuff is easy.  Training and conquering the stuff, that is where the sweat fills up the pool.

Goals

I have been thinking and reading and falling down the youtube channel black holes about goals.  Motivation. 

I ran into Coach Stevo's blog.  He has a lot to say about goals.

A lot of people tell him they "want to run a marathon."

He answers "You want to be the type of person who runs marathons."

What type of person runs marathons?

Collette types.  Rick types.  Megan types.  My whole stinkin family excepts me types. 

Rick ran a marathon, and that afternoon was playing in the back yard with Micah.  I remember him playing with the kids and that impressed me more than him running for two or three hours that morning.  Wasn't he supposed to be getting a massage and lying in bed and eating?  He had just run a freaking marathon.  And he is playing, actively playing, with the kids.

I want to be the type of person that does jump up and run around and mess around with my kids. 

I don't want my training to make it so I don't enjoy and live the other 23 hours of the day.  Fitness should allow me to move more, lift more, and be more.  So I can play.  And play hard.

So nothing is too hard.  Too tiring. 

What do I really want? 

Nat and I signed up to run the Spartan this June.  And I am starting to comprehend how much my upper body can be improved.  So I can actually pass a few of the obstacles.  Upper body strength is mandatory. 

Who do I really want to be?

I find myself thinking about the gospel and fitness.  Both have to be worked for everyday.  To be stronger, physically and spiritually.

I haven't been feeding my spirit solid lately. The person I want to be receives revelation and acts on promptings.  For people outside of family.  The person I want to be does her visiting teaching because she loves visiting her people. 

I have felt an increase of patience with my boys lately.  Increase of love. 

What kind of Mom am I?  Want to be?

I think my love language is food.  If someone is hurt or needs celebrating, I want to make them food.

Balanced.   I want balance.  If there is such a thing.  Maybe not balance, but mindful accomplishment.

And time.  I want to take more time with my boys.